Choas in the mind !!

Yes, my mind is currently clouded with confusion, uncertainty, chaos, and turmoil.

And honestly, I can’t pinpoint exactly why.

There’s just so much happening at once—career, health, fitness, kids, parents, siblings... it all feels overwhelming.

Somewhere deep down, I know it stems from my nature—this constant, unconscious urge for perfection in everything I do. Even the slightest deviation unsettles me, and I find it hard to feel truly content. Maybe that’s part of why I come across as humble—not because I want to, but because I often struggle to see my own worth. I’m not trying to compliment myself—it’s just how I am. I genuinely wonder why I can’t think highly of myself and why I’m always finding flaws within.

Sometimes I feel I’m so aware of my weaknesses that I forget my strengths. When things don’t go as planned, I immediately start analyzing, tracing everything back to the root cause (yes, I have this habit of needing to understand “why”). And more often than not, I end up blaming myself—concluding it’s my fault or shortcoming. That’s when the sadness creeps in.

Then, occasionally, someone offers a kind word or praise, and I’m reminded—“Oh, right… I do have some good in me.”

It feels strange to admit all this—even writing it down feels weird. But it’s exactly how I’m feeling right now. If my career isn’t moving forward, I blame myself for not doing enough. If I’m not physically fit, it’s because I’m not putting in the effort. If my kids mess up, I feel like I’ve failed as a mother. If my parents are unhappy, I question myself as a daughter.

I just want to ask—God, please guide me... please help me find peace of mind. 🙏

New Nest, New Vibes!!

A New Chapter Begins at Home 🙂

Though I’ve moved homes before, this time felt different. We’ve shifted to a new house in the same city, but the experience of buying a home together with my spouse was something entirely new and special for me.

It all started with a small thought—a desire to move to a better place. Not that the earlier one was lacking, but sometimes, your heart just knows when it’s time for something more. I didn’t expect it to actually happen… but like I always say, maybe I am God’s favourite sometimes 😄—and it did happen.

From finding the right house and sorting finances (a huge thanks to my better half for handling most of that!), to the chaos of packing, moving, and balancing everyone’s expectations—there were so many moving parts. But somehow, it all came together. With God’s grace, everything went smoothly(at least from where I see it!)

In the first few days at a new place, you're just busy settling in. And slowly, it hits you—a new phase of life has begun. This place is now our home. Sometimes I ask myself—does it matter whose house it technically is (because I learnt it does matter to people)? Mine, my husband’s, my parents’, or my in-laws’? And my heart says no. For me, wherever I choose to stay, wherever I find comfort and peace—that becomes my home. It’s all about the mindset, not just ownership.

Everyone who’s visited has said this home has a lovely, positive vibe—and I feel it too. I truly hope this space brings joy, growth, and peace to us all, especially to my daughters. I pray that God continues to shower His love and blessings on them, just as He has done for me.

And above all, I thank God deeply—for this home, for the people I love, and for the many blessings I never even asked for. Life has its ups and downs, but as long as You’re with me, God, I am content. Material things come and go, but the peace within… that’s what really matters to me.

Thank You, GOD!

Is God really unfair?

Lately, this question has been on my mind quite often. As an ordinary human, I know I can never fully comprehend God’s ways of justice. However, at times, it feels as though He favors only those He chooses to.

When watching mythological shows, it appears that even a small act of goodness is enough to receive divine blessings, yet in reality, this doesn’t seem to hold true.

I have seen people who are dishonest, envious, and lacking in empathy or kindness, yet they seem content in life. On the other hand, those who devote themselves to worship and follow their faith diligently do not always appear to be blessed.

I do understand the concept of Karma and that God keeps an account of our actions. It is said that after every night comes a morning, and after every sorrow, there will be joy—nothing is permanent. But what if someone's suffering never seems to end? What if, instead of fading, it only grows with time? I struggle to find answers to these questions, but I truly want to understand how Karma and the idea that "nothing lasts forever" work from God’s perspective.

I am a firm believer in God and His existence, yet at times, I feel so helpless when I am unable to ease the pain of my loved ones.

Dear God, regardless of one's past Karma, please bring an end to their suffering. It is unbearable to witness them in such pain. I feel like a failure as a daughter, unable to help my own parents. You already know the sorrow I am speaking of. Please, I beg you...

Mother's Day

Mother's day, a specially marked day for mothers. Though, I feel no special day is needed to celebrate the person who is responsible for your being :).

I realise how unique this relation or this role is, now that I am also a mother of 2. Mother-child relation is always special as mother always know the child 9 months more than any other person :). But today, I am writing this not as a mother but as a child to my mother.

My mother is the most beautiful soul I have ever come across in my life (ofcourse, she is my mother so I will definitely feel this :P but believe me as you will read along you too will realise). 

She is a home-maker and she has truly excelled in this job. Today, as her child I feel I am so blessed to have her as a mother. My mom is my bestest friend and I am so lucky to have this one person in my life, who is there for me no matter what and the best part is she never gives any biased advice on any matter. Yes, true, she will never sow any seeds of hatred for anyone in your heart even if you go and abuse anyone in front of her. She will always give you positive angle of it and encourage you to do just the RIGHT from your side.

She has gone through many things in life. She lost her mother at a very young age, got married early, took care of house and kids when was transferred to a new city with my dad. 

She is special in God's eyes too. She has been given a responsibility of taking care of a special child. Must say, she is fulfilling this responsibility beautifully, not everyone can excel in such a thing. May God bless her with more and more strength, positive attitude and happiness in life.

What era is this?

Seriously, this question keeps on popping up in my mind these days. We say, we are in the 21st century, this is the most modern era ever with technology governing our life and humans being replaced by bots, food recipe being suggested by AI, dictionaries being replaced by Google search engine, outdoor games for kids have been left behind with online games coming in etc.

But still, are we really that modernized in our thinking? Have we really left all the stereotypes and prejudices from our mind, our life? The answer is obviously a big NO..

There are large number of sections of society who still believe in lot of stereotypes like discriminating against the religion, caste and the most famous one is Boys Vs Girls.... Yes, this still prevails around with lot of weightage in the society. 

People say God made man and woman different for a reason. I agree but God has given some power to man and some to woman for a purpose. And, both are unique in their own ways. 

But, humans have made this difference too large to an extent to make people believe that women are the weaker section of the society. I have grown in this society and once someone asked why it is said "Man is a social animal and why not say woman is a social animal?" As a child, I dint know much but immediately, thought the answer as we never represent something with the weaker part of it.. and today when I recall that incident I feel ashamed of myself... All these notions have been spread by humans and they have been in the society since so long that everyone thinks this to be right.

Although, today girls are seen in almost every profession be it army, navy, police, pilot, astronaut, corporate etc. but still at the end of the day, girls are always given the second priority in the families ( though I never felt my parents making me and my sister feel this way). But once I left my parent's shelter, I realised the reality of the world... there are so many things that people still believe is the job of the woman and not the man... I don't understand does the veggies we cook know that is being cooked by a male or a female? or the tools used to do the cleaning understand the gender of the person using them? these statements are seriously laughable but this matter is indeed serious... People think we have a son who is so capable working in a MNC or is a high ranking officer and may be the daughter-in-law is equally qualified but still she will be secondary and her career becomes secondary in front of the choice of family and kids. Why? I don't have an answer... but now I understand one thing that prevails along with general biases is Unconscious bias. I heard this term in one of the official meetings but dint really understand that it exists but now I think this is quite true and overcoming this is even more challenging than removing the notion Girls are for kitchen and boys for earning... :(

Now, I am married and have 2 daughters and in this ever changing world, I always think my daughters should be strong personalities so that they can judge between right & wrong, understand the impact of their decisions, never blindly trust anyone not even their partner unless they form a strong bond.. But then I think, am I really that strong a personality? am I really capable of imbibing these qualities in my daughters? and then, I feel so low because honestly, I am very delicate, honest and fragile inside though I dont let everyone around me know this....I am that type of a person who gives away if someone comes and puts emotional pressure on me, I always tend to believe that I am wrong (though deep inside I know that's not the case always)... :( Hope God gives me more strength to take care of my daughters... I truly believe kids are the parents responsibility not only for their upbringing but for the kind of person they will become when they grow up.

This world has been beautifully created by God with humans to spend good life here but these man-made things actually destroy the beauty of life and make it ugly for some. I am not a powerful person but still I hope to change things for the betterment of the society and the first step is to start from home ie with my daughters :) Let's see how much I can do for them!! God bless me and everyone :)

Justifying yourself

 It is really hard to live up to the expectations of the people around and here, I am referring to people who are close to you, may be your loved ones.

People always think what they do is the best and is the correct thing to do ( don't worry people includes myself too, I am not that self-obsessed that I might sound :) ) We often forget that our actions, our thoughts, our words all have an impact on others around us. Sometimes, we say something to calm ourselves down or motivate or simply to feel better but we forget the other person listening to you doesnt know the whole picture of your mind or heart. And, then this is what leads to misunderstandings, conflicts, misinterpretation etc.

Now, why am I jotting all this random things now? I had a habit of writing to vent out whatever is going on in my mind which might be meaningful or might be totally senseless.. and I want to re-initiate this habit of mine... this helps me in having boundary inside my heart where no one can enter... and I feel light at the same time... and most importantly, I want to avoid conflicts and misunderstandings..

At times, it feels that human mind is weird (atleast mine is :P ). Most of the time, I am a very satisfied person who knows that God has given me too many things without me asking or lot of hardships. But sometimes, I feel I am good for nothing, feel so lagged behind, demotivated and then everything around me appears to be wrong and negative :( I am a person who takes most of the responsibilities on myself and that's one of the causes of my own created problems. When my limit is exhausted, I start getting irritated with small things going on around me.. and people around don't understand this...

that's why I will take help of this private blog of mine... to vent my feelings and be clear headed...

I am still thankful to God for whatever he has given me... I might not be truly fav child of God but I know I am not the worst too  :)

2020 - An unusual year!!

 2020 - An unusual year that will be remembered in the history and obviously not in a longing way.

This year brought with it, the so called Covid pandemic and disrupted every human's life in one way or the other in this whole world. 

Life of children changed with online classes becoming the source of interaction with the school teachers and replacing the everyday chores of going to school, meeting friends, teachers etc. This impacted to the extent that kids started missing the school and wondering when will they be able to meet their friends. Yes, these were the same kids who always had excuses for not going to school.

For professionals, working from home became the new normal and going to office, meeting colleagues became a fantasy. Now, everyone is wishing to go to office at the earliest.

Businessmen got impacted adversely at every level, would say!! Can't talk much about this category since I dont belong here :P

Apart from schedule changes, people were impacted financially, especially the daily wagers and low class people which arose lot of problems in people's life.

This pandemic period brought lot of people close and lot might drifted apart too because we started spending lot of time with each other and came to know newer sides of each other.

I started this post in 2020 but dint finish it somehow... and it is already 2021...

2021 is scarier than 2020... Last year was only about adapting to the new normals like work from home, online classes for kids, doing household chores all by ourselves, meeting friends and relatives virtually etc.. etc...

But 2021 is about getting scared ... how important it is to be alive and all other things have no significance at all...This year started fine but soon became deadly with this new variant of Covid coming into picture... Every family had one or the other person seriously infected .. people running for medicines, oxygen cylinders, hospital beds etc. People loosing more than a person in one family... the words like passed away, RIP, sad to hear, condolences... became most frequently used words... this year shattered the happiness of so many families... leaving nothing but sadness and despair behind...

Experts say it is all the doings of mankind that was brought on us... but so cruel? making kids orphan, leaving partners alone... simply depressing all around... 

Nature doesnt need humans but humans do... We know this, understand this but most likely fail to show it in our actions.. :( 

Request to God.. please stop this mayhem now!!!

Sentiments - Feelings

Feelings, once formed, comes out in some form or the other, else keeps on creating disturbance within. 

Hence, it becomes important to let out all the feelings, be it anger, sadness, happiness, fear, disgust etc. from the mind.

Now, how these feelings are formed? They are formed with every thought crossing the mind every second, every event happening around which is connected with that particular person. They are of different types which depict different emotions of humans. The most prominent ones(in my eyes would be) - happiness, sadness, anger, fear, disgust.

Happiness, is obviously the best feeling to have. All is good around this feeling, one might feel to be on cloud nine, depending upon the level of happiness.

Sadness, arises due to disappointment, loss or fear. Once you feel sad, the whole world seems to be coming to an end. None of the things matter anymore. But as rightly said, time is the biggest healer, eventually this feeling also fades away. Nothing seems to be forever, even these little emotions. 

Anger, the most dangerous one I guess. It is said that you need to suppress your anger for a better future especially for the sake of the relationships. But what are the side effects of suppressing it or hiding it? Have those people who talk to suppressing thought about it? It might be a way to preserve relations but what about oneself? That feeling which has developed will still fight to come out and will eventually come out in some or the other form. Similar category feelings like disgust, irritation etc. would also be tough to handle. 

I thought of a way to handle this, just talk to someone who can listen to you without ifs/buts or any questions in return. But then another questions arises, where to find that someone :( ?

If at all, you have someone who understands you at the core and knows when to listen, when to question, when to comfort, when to scold, you are the luckiest I would say. Somehow, I feel everyone has a child like traits throughout the life for some moments and needs someone to coax just like a child (may be many wouldn't agree on this). This doesn't mean that you are dependent on someone but emotions are such that you need someone at times just to make yourself feel better and be a better person eventually. Since if today someone comforts you, that person will leave on impression on your heart and you will automatically, reciprocate the feelings when time comes.

Not able to understand how God has created such complexities for humans. It is hard to comprehend but he created. Mind blowing!!!

 

Father's Day

Father's Day - official opportunity to celebrate the presence of one of the most important person in your life.

Though I have written about my father many times (secretly :P), today I want to write at length.

My papa, like every other girl, is my superhero, person whom I look upto for everything.

Professionally, he is an engineer but his versatile skills have helped him in making his mark in variety of fields like steel industry, designing the colonies out of a big land, construction of commercial buildings like school, manufacturing units etc. By choice, he learnt the principles of vaastu and can guide you how to place things in your house, yet another unique area.

As a father, he is been amazing, caring, loving and at times strict too ;). He is intelligent and judges every situation in 360 degree manner. He is a like a life saver for me in every situation. Whenever I have a problem and cant find a solution to it... It always him, I turn to. Because I know then my brain can rest and I can agree to whatever he says... :)

Now, as I have grown up (quite a bit now, in my late thirties), I have realized that he is the outstanding person I have ever seen in my life. He is gem of a person in all respects ( I know some people might think "papa hai to asia hi bolegi.."). But I have seen and met good number of people in my life now and no one could match to the standards of my dad. As a girl, obviously, I tend to compare every person to papa and then each time I feel how good, mature and sensible he is.

He knows how to nurture the relationships. Even as a husband, I can say my mom has no complaints against him (my mom is my best friend so I know this :P ). He has always supported my mother in every aspect of life...

He will go out of his way for people who need any help from him. He has taught us to be the change we want to see in others because we dont have the power of changing others. He always says go with the flow and take life as it comes. It will be easier to spend the life because he trusts GOD too much and you often hear him saying "God is great who will handle every problem of your life!!"

Someone said about papa that "a 2 yr old kid can also enjoy in his company and a 70 yrs old will also not get bored with him, he is the man of all generations". Feels too good to be the daughter of someone of this quality. I just hope I manage to keep his name high.

My parents are like my life support systems. They have always been there and one line of comfort from them fills me with new energy to face life.

May God bless both my parents forever!! I truly feel blessed to have such parents.

When your strength becomes an issue

Each on of us is blessed with some strengths and weaknesses too. But what happens when your strength actually becomes the cause of your own trouble. Yes, that's what I mean.. your own strength starts hurting you in some way.... It is as strange as it sounds..

For example  one's strength is to understand people just too well with the course of time. In other words, one may actually start understanding their facial expressions, their body language, their expectations etc. (obviously, few traits might still be hidden well by others). And this quality helps you a lot in many spheres of life professionally and personally both.

But sometimes this causes problems.

When you know that others act differently in front of you and differently at your back, you know the hidden meaning in the way they converse or indirect messages they want to pass to you, you feel awful. You think why do you need to understand everything, why cant the mind ignore and understand only that is in front of you, why cant you be naive. It hurts.

Such a situation is peculiar and becomes tough to deal with. Your mind starts governing you that dont get carried away with such behaviour and your heart says, come-on, ignore them... you are actually stuck and then you behave in a weird manner which even you cant understand or explain. And you hate yourself for such behaviour because you cant be double faced, that is not in your nature. You can either be good or bad and not both at the same time.

And this is the time you hate yourself and get irritated by this quality of understanding people too well. This leads to the thought your mind is only in an idiotic state which forces you to think just too much.

I am not sure if someone would really understand what I am writing but it is just that I feel better after jotting it down.

Nature's ways of punishing humanity

Humans are suppose to be the most arrogant (because of obvious reasons) of all the species created by the Almighty. And interestingly, they are the ones who are affected by the tiniest, invisible form of life. VIRUS.

Yes, I am talking about the latest Coronavirus which has suddenly come into existence and has successfully shaken the daily businesses of the human beings. This proves that we dont need to do researches on creating nuclear weapons to protect the country instead we should work on how we can protect the nature so that she doesnt hit back on us in its unique ways.

They say, life is short and I believe it is beautifully complex, out of one's control and beyond our limit of understanding. It is rightly said that when you are busy making plans, life has something else in store for you. Like 3 weeks back, I was so stressed out about my daughter's exams and suddenly in a day everything changed. Ofcourse, the reason was unimaginable at that time. Yes, CORONOVIRUS became the reason.

We fight for all materialistic things for our EGO satisfaction, forgetting how small things can change your biggest of all the plans. Hence, I think we should learn to utilise our life in a meaningful way and spend quality time with our loved ones. We would never know what tomorrow will bring to us but we can surely know what we should be doing in the present.

Hope people realise these minor yet important things in life (I know all this is not new) but thought of penning it down for myself. 

Mundane Life

Life has become very mundane these days.. have started losing interest in everything ... life in office, at home... and the reason is my own self....

There are times when I feel... I have done good for myself in life or to better put it... life has been good to me so far.... but sometimes, I feel I am so ordinary as a human....
there are so many extra ordinary people (with unique capabilities) in this world and when compared to those.. I stand nowhere at all....

I feel such a void at times... that it seems I have just never taken life seriously... If I just introspect, I realize that neither I have any special capabilities nor any special interests in life... I simply dont expect anything from any situation in my life... n I wonder what kind of person I am...

If someone asks me... what do you want in life or what is your ambition/ goal ... I have no clue...
Because I dont dream about anything... but being happy with my loved ones... I just cant stand the dual personalities, negativeness, fights, arguments around myself... it's not that I never get into arguments with anyone (in fact, in past few years it has grown) but I personally never want to be in such situations......If someone is trying to fool me or playing politics with me, I just sub-consciously part some distant from that person...I dont even want to talk about the tricks the other person plays with me... But everyone around me doesnt have a similar thought process.... so have to indulge in not-so-happy discussions...

If would have been born with special caliber, may be would have been a boon for my parents and their problems.. but alas,.... I am such a normal/ordinary person who couldnt think or analyse any problem correctly.... sometimes, I feel I was very selfish back then but never realised... I left my parents to deal with their problem on their own.... to find my own happiness....  :( I am really sorry to them from the core of my heart... but I know this wont help now... dont know what the future holds but plsssss God be good to my parents... even if they did something bad at some point... dont you think they had enough now?? :(

The book called Life

"You can't skip chapters, that's not how life works. You have to read every line, meet every character. You won't enjoy all of it. Hell, some chapters will make you cry for weeks. You will read things you don't want to read, you will have moments which you don't want the pages to end. But you have to keep going. Stories keep the world revolving. Live yours, don't miss out."

Today morning I read these lines on FaceBook, posted by one of my friends....somehow I could relate to these lines ...

Actually, life is crazier than anything I have ever seen in my life... so many turns and twists happen that you forget to keep the track... 

Like when I used to study, the chapters or topics which I used to be least interested in, I would keep them for the end and read only those which I was comfortable in... but with this book called Life... no choices are given... everything is so forceful.. at times... I dont feel like doing some xyz work... but then have to do it.... :(

I dont know how, so many people's life is designed by the Almighty? he/she is super intelligent, diplomatic, manipulative and the best manager so far :)

But why does life force us to deal with things, situations, people we are not comfortable with... why cant we have the choose option in every sphere of life... I know some people would say if we are always in the comfort zone... life will be boring and mundane... but some times it becomes difficult to drag ourselves.... and at that point of time.. you feel like breaking free from all these chores of life.....

Forget all this, you cant even speak your mind when you feel like.. forget doing things of your choice... :(

Whatever, I loved the lines mentioned above and wanted to document it somehow.. so thought of writing this blog :P

Too many 'whys' in the mind??

Whenever I am confused or have too many doubts/questions in my mind.. I suddenly feel like writing something.. just to ease my inner self.... and then I open this blog.....
I think this blog has become my secret partner... who takes in all my weird thoughts without any ifs/buts :P

So today I  am doubting how does the God plan the lives of so many people at a stretch.. well one may say that's the reason he/she is called the supernatural power... which we, humans, cannot really understand... I dont understand but sometimes I feel God is a little unfair with few people without any reason... yes my mind forces me to say "without any reason..."

we, as humans, have got just this one life... and why we just cant live it as per our wishes... small desires, wishes become dependent on others....

I remember I heard some intellectual saying... that we a child is born .. he/she doesnt even know that he is existing in this world now.. and we start forcing all the relations on him/her... like I am your mom/dad/ granddad etc etc... then from that very moment that child gets stuck in the web of these relations....... and then the dependencies starting building without our realization...
No, I am not against relationships... (I have some bful relations in my life...) but we should give each other space, understand each other's desires, help each other in achieving them...

Another imp thing - we should not think always negative about other person's actions instead we should think that whatever the other person is doing is the best he/she can do with all he/she has .... and that could be resources, energy or even the mental level of a person.... as I write this, I realise it is difficult to do than saying... but giving it a try is worth.....

They say praying is important and should part of your daily chores but with my personal experience I have realised... God has already decided the major things of your life and you cannot simply change them even by praying... I have prayed all my life for just one major thing.... and then got the answer... 'I have decided and it will be as I want.. your praying wont help'... :(

It is not that God hasnt been kind to me.. He/She has blessed with a lovely life and overall... I have no complaints for myself.... but at times... I fail to understand the complexity of life... :(

Hopefully, someday will get the answers for all my doubts... and I only wish my closed relations to be happy always... because they deserve to be happy in my eyes :)

Longing for the moments that will never come

Longing for something which will never happen in reality is very tough to deal with.
I believe most of us might have had similar feelings.. but do we really know how to deal with such feelings??
Atleast I don't know...

It is said that when you fail, you should not get disheartened for there is always a next time and you should learn from your failure..

But what if you never get the second chance at all? what if there is no way out for that NEXT time??
We have ONE life and we all want to fulfill our desires in this life.. but how would you feel if your small desires cannot be fulfilled in this life and that too with no fault of yours?

Just because most of us believe that GOD (or any other super natural power you believe in) has better plans for us we should accept what we have got... but do we really believe that what GOD does is always right?? NO, NOW I DONT BELIEVE IN THIS.... and probably will never be able to now...

Don't think I am a pure Atheist since beginning, no I was not and I am not totally an atheist even now.. I was a person who always believed in GOD and was always fantasized by the stories of GOD our religion offers.. Infact, I used to enjoy spreading these stories among different people and somewhere deep in my heart used to feel proud of myself that I know so much about my dear GOD at very young age....but now things have changed... dont know why.. but they certainly have

I am not the same person now which I was or who my parents brought up... No it is not that LIFE has done something bad with me... but obviously there are certain events which happened .. which led to the transformation within myself. I can bear anything for myself... but these days when I just look around myself.. I feel GOOD happens with BAD people and BAD with GOOD ones... may be I am wrong .. but that s what I conclude when I dont have answers to all the 'Why's which come to my mind....

I know nothing is permanent and want this transformation to end soon....because it hurts me deep inside and the pain cannot be put in words....this feeling makes me feel just too low......and I HATE it....

Wherever you(my ex dear GOD) are , please make me believe in you once again.... 

Take life as it comes

"Take Life as it comes" - a phrase easily said than followed.

 

I am sure everyone has heard this phrase from someone at some point of their life.. I also say it many times and try to convince my self at difficult situations. But I was just wondering how difficult it is to accept life as it is... and the difficulty arises all because of thoughts and pre-conceived ideas in our MIND. We have expectations in every sphere of life.. Even as humans, we expect a lot from GOD and when something happens beyond our expectations, we feel betrayed and depressed.

 

I don't know how GOD has created us, humans... we have such a complex body and mind. The learned people say one should be able to control the mind but it is so difficult for a normal person.

 

I have taken some decisions in life with the course of time and many of them were left on time. Like "Jo hoga dekha jayega types..". No, I don't think about such decisions again once I decide but then sometimes I feel and wonder... am I strong enough to face whatever happens in future?

Sometimes I feel I am just too strong to think in this manner and decide something like this... but deep inside my heart I know how weak I am, how heart-broken I will be and I am when things go otherwise my expectations and I don't let anyone except myself know this fact ever...

I have never seen GOD like any other normal human.. but still I feel I have some strong force with me always which keeps me going. Hope in future also, this unknown force keeps me going until my last breath.

 

 

After a long time

After a long time, somehow I thought about this blog and automatically I started writing a post.. as if there is lot inside me which now needs to come out and I want to b free inside...

Life has changed so much and I have changed even more with the course of time.. and to mention not for good but for bad..... although I know each and every factor which has gradually, sub-consciously changed me.....I feel sad for myself...

My patience level has gone down drastically.... I am just not able to stand anything which is wrong in my eyes....especially when Pranshi is affected because of those things... I knew somewhere in my heart I like everything to be just the way it should be..... but now I realise this is becoming a big problem for me...

I always used to say I don't like double faced people....People who change their statements/ view point on any matter according to the situation without considering what is correct and what is wrong... everyone is selfish in this world... even I am to an extent... but atleast I don't think I will start proving wrong things right in any situation.....

I fail to handle these situations... and then the end result is no one understands me and I earn a bad name that I am very short tempered and have no patience at all.... Since childhood I had the strength of ignoring other's bad deeds but never forgetting mine... I always used to introspect so much that where I went wrong... but now everything has changed .. repeatedly same series of scenes happen and am not able to control myself... Why did I change so much? I don't understand ... why cant I be the same Nidhi Mehra, who had lots of patience and was always a peace-maker... I feel sad and bad for my own self.... if I will continue to destroy my own self in this way.... how will I take care of my only child....???

The problem becomes even bigger... when my own partner does not understand what all things are destroying me... even if I explain him... he doesn't want to understand or might be these things are very minor in his eyes.....I feel so helpless at times and start behaving in an undesired manner...

Please help me God to restore my inner strength and beliefs....

 

Dying to go home

I am so desparately waiting to go home.. that I just can't describe my feelings in words... but still there are full 2 weeks left...
I am getting irritated with everyone and evrything around... I am dying to be with my mom n dad... waiting to be with them in their protective shelter... where no one will point any finger on me... n whenever i ll be afraid of the future.. i ll hv their hand to grab....I seriously need a break... from this official and so called professional life....

Changing OUR mindset.....

"Prayer is not an attempt to change GOD's mind, but an attempt to let GOD change our minds"
I read the above quote sometime back...and found it very soothing n convincing at that moment... but today.. when I read it again.. i thought... till how long a human being (who has a small mind) can understand GOD's plan for his LIFE??
Some people say... "Good always happens with Good people and when bad happens with Good people they become even better"... But what if only bad keeps on happening with Good people?
Is lifetime wait also not enough to expect someday everything will be alright? Practically, I have started believing that Sorrows keeps on multiplying once they enter your life... :(

Forgetfulness about my blog

I was soo engrossed in my life... with my small/ big issues... that i almost forgot about the existence of my own blog...
I started this blog somewhere in feb this year... n till date posted very few posts.....
well... life has kept me occupied always.. with something or the other..... (may b others might think i dont have anything concrete to be occupied with.... but no body knows my mind.. :)
2008... this year literally flew.. like wind...feels like it had just started... n now its ending....n wat did i achieve in this yr ... nothing extra ordinary as a person i blv... but yes in terms of general trend of the world... i took one more step to move along the track on the personal front... :P (I know very wague n confusing statement but will make it clear when things are more concrete...)
Professionally, I have been planning to do some certifications... but just cud materialise the plan... somehow... yes i dont have any valid reason for this ..:(
(hope be in touch with my blog constantly)